band-aids and emotional exhaustion.

He called me tonight. Well, first he texted me and said he would "like to request one more exchange with you before I forget you...just a few questions." I said I supposed I would humor him. His first question was, "Am I a monster?" I said in some capacities, yes, but in others, no. There are many negative qualities about him, but that is human. He also has many positive qualities.

It was a long and frustrating, on my end at least, conversation. Then he said, "Any final words for me?" All I said was, "Goodbye." Then he said goodbye and we hung up.
As long as I am not talking to him, I am fine. I don't so much mind that it's over, anymore. I just wish that I had been more prepared so that I could have enjoyed our time together without the hope of something more. I would have appreciated it for what it was and not tried to make it something it wasn't. But that is life, I suppose. And I know that in time, I will be able to look back with a sense of nostalgia. Right now it still just kind of hurts. It's much better. I only cried for fifteen seconds after our 80 minute conversation. That's a much better percentage than any before, since the breakup. And since it's been two weeks since I last had any contact with him, I think it was actually a pretty good conversation. Considering.


I don't really know what to do anymore. I am lonely. I realized on Tuesday that I wasn't in that circle anymore. They were all over there...and it's not that they didn't want me there, or I didn't want to be there, I just don't belong there anymore. My friendship with him was the reason I was there. Now the reason no longer exists. So that is sad. But that's life.

Then I realized that I don't really have any friends that I am close to and talk to on even a semi-regular basis, anymore. I even doubt that RW and I, no matter what he says, will really talk once we finish our project. Which is next weekend. It would feel awkward to call him up and suggest we hang out. I liked the excuse. I didn't have to call and ask him to hang out with me...we started with business and then ended up making dinner, or dancing, or going to the movies or something.

I think I am just really tired of being the only one to make an effort, in all of my many relationships. I need a me for me. I really wish I had someone in my life who would make an effort to be there and be with me instead of me always being that person. It is completely exhausting. I listen to people, and I do things because they want me to, and I help them, and I take on huge assignments like the mystery because they ask, and I really do just want to help people and be there for them. But it honestly feels like no one is really there for me. I am always the one who calls. In every damn relationship I have. I am emotionally exhausted. I am worn, and hurt, and trying to heal, and all of my close friends know it, yet if I want any human interaction, I have to always seek it out. Not a single person calls me to say, "Hey, let's hang out." Not a single one.

And that is upsetting.

I am exhausted. I am lonely. I want a hug. Lots of hugs. I want someone to watch movies with instead of watching them by myself and feeling like the biggest loser cat lady spinster. I've kind of started texting RG almost every day because I feel like I'm an emotional burden to everyone else at this point, after all that's been going on. He hasn't been burdened by it yet. So I've been talking to him.

People quit asking me how I am. I noticed this last week. People only ask how I am after I ask them.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. But it's like I have this cut on my arm (post-breakup pain) and since I have nothing to distract me, I keep going back and looking at it. Even now that I've got a band-aid on it so it doesn't get infected and will heal up quickly, I keep looking under the band-aid to see how it's doing instead of going out and playing tag or something and not thinking about it and then taking off the band-aid to find that it's all healed up. But when you look at cuts and stuff they hurt way more than if you don't. 'Cause when you're thinking about it, it hurts a lot, you know? It's kind of like that. Only I don't have anyone to play tag with, so I end up sitting on the sidewalk starting at my cut and thinking, "Gee, would you heal up, already? I want to take this damn band-aid off." 


I am afraid I am going to fail my sociology exam. I've been so distracted that I can't seem to focus enough to study. Lovely.

a letter to the world

dear world,
dear sad and lonely world,

i am sorry for hating you sometimes. some days i truly love you, and then something will happen or you will do something, and i just want to burn you down. some days i just want to burn you down.

i am sorry for loving you too much. some days i truly hate you, and then something will happen or you will do something, and i just want to do everything. some days i just want to do everything.

some days i cannot stop. some days i cannot breathe. i am afraid of not being able to breathe. i panic. panic attacks. it stabs me in the gut and hits me in the chest, and it wracks my brain for a solution which i cannot find and i cannot hide. some days i cannot hide.

some days i do not want to hide. some days i go outside. i am not afraid of outside. i breathe. and it is good.

but some days i just want to burn you down. irreconcilable differences we have, world. but i, unlike many, cannot divorce the world and go to a better place. i must see it to the end.

oh God come quickly, the execution of all things.

i want to do everything and burn down the world in one instant; one single instant. forget me, world. i am of no particular consequence to you. perhaps to some in it, but not to you.

i love you, world. i love you and i hate you, too.

sincerely,
amelia

"voltaire, hair. i'd like to learn about voltaire.'

I am quiet. The classroom is still as we complete our assignment. Thoughts tumble about my mind as I recall the dream from last night. There was a party.

The last party I held was the best. Twelve angry men and seven dwarves could not compete with the group I assembled. We were perfectly paired and complemented.

I am frustrated. Why can I not think of anything to say? I usually have so much going on in my head that I cannot seem to shut it off. And yet now there is nothing but the dark abyss. I had this same problem when I wrote my paper on the Republic senior year. Twelve pages to write and I could not think of even one. I managed to churn out three pages of senseless dribble, but it was only a rant on how I wanted to be able to make my own choices; nothing in particular, and certainly nothing having to do with Plato or justice.

This seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Bitter and apathetic towards most things, and then I change my hair and everyone knows it. Or do they? Perhaps none of them know me well enough to pick up on the subtle changes in my attitude as easily as the changes in my hair. Maybe all they see is an occasional blue streak and not a lonely little girl who is afraid to grow up.

Maybe all I am to some people is my hair.

Now I am a brunette. There are some vague traces of my former hair color lurking underneath. Something to remind everyone who I was before.

I think I was happier how I was before. Not hair color-wise, but in regards to my attitude. My life. I think I was happier before. Not to say that I am unhappy now, I just think I may have been exquisitely happy then, and at present I am only satisfactorily happy.

But at least I am satisfied.

i have anti-faith in people. good thing i have faith in god.

if you have just one let me be that love, if you have lots of others please let me be one.



i've been thinking that maybe present disappointment is preparing me to better recognize the real thing when it comes along; if it comes along. not to say that it wasn't the real thing for me--god knows it was. i mean more like the real thing, the life thing, the for-life thing. ie: true unending godsent love. or maybe i can only get that from yeshua. i don't know. i'd like to think that it's accessible in this life, but maybe not. having a long-distance relationship with yeshua is hard. i want to be held and kissed, and that ain't gonna happen right now. i really wish that i could just go home to him right now, but that ain't gonna happen, either. i'm not finished here yet.

i don't regret anything, though. i may be disappointed, but mostly in myself. i was happy. i can't complain about that. only idiots complain about things they're happy with. oh wait--that's most people, including me. i'm so spoiled. i have everything i need/want/desire (well, except maybe one thing, but that's irrelevant and actually kind of ridiculous because the spirit would tell me i already have it, which i do, just not exactly in the way i want), and yet for some reason i keep falling apart. why? is it because i don't trust him enough?

could be. that's a likely reason. me and my stupid trust issues. how on EARTH did i manage to translate those into my relationship with the father? oh, i'm sure it's been done many times before but it doesn't make it make any more sense. it's ludicrous.

so i would like to say that things kind of suck right now, but the truth is, they don't. not really. i only project this stupid image of suckiness onto my relatively wonderful decent life. why? not sure.

i'm kind of really bitter at pretty much the whole world. if you're reading this, i'm probably bitter towards you for something or other. the spirit and i are getting down to nails on this. that didn't exactly make sense but i can't think of the phrase i'm looking for. my brain is a little fried.

i saw the book of eli today. i cried a little at the end. i really liked it and was totally convicted. kudos to denzel washington for a) making a movie that doesn't suck (in my opinion, most of the movies he's done in the past five or six years have been pretty awful), and b) making a movie that is actually really amazing and portrays the spirit of god in a POSITIVE manner, and that he trusts him a lot more than i do. after bitterness, we're getting down to nails on trust. i've just been informed.

some days i just feel like it's never going to get any better here. i mean, this world is screwed. it's a mess, and people are a mess, and the only reason for living, really, is because god said to. i've asked him more than a few times if he could just take me to be with him. no offense to this world or anything, after all, he made it, but it kind of sucks at this point and people are the same as they've always been: slimy, weaselly, sluggish, occasionally well-intentioned liars. and i love 'em. but i would much rather be spending all of eternity with the ONE who will NEVER let me down or be slimy, weaselly, etc. but that ain't gonna happen just yet. just yet.

i'm watching a movie called dakota skye. it's good. well, it's alright. but i really like it. the movie itself isn't that great, but the idea of it is awesome. she always knows when people are lying and what they really mean, even when they don't know it's what they really mean. she can tell. and she's gotten all apathetic and embittered towards just about everyone because they're all freakin liars (hello, sinful nature), and then she meets this guy who doesn't ever seem to lie. or at least, she doesn't know if he is or not, and she always knows. he always seems to actually be telling the truth.

what a burden to have, to always know what everyone around you really means. and since people usually don't mean what they say, you would always know when they were lying to you, when they were irritated with you or thought you were an idiot or any various number of derogatory terms, or that they didn't really mean it when they said they loved you, or that they really didn't intend to call you back or whatever. anything. to always know. how how easy it would be to not only not have faith in people but to have ANTI-faith in people. not only the absence of it because people are morons, but to actually be working against it. how bitter one would become.

but god always tells the truth. he always means what he says. and he'll never lie.

sometimes i spend so much time with people i have a hard time believing that. like i know but it's like knowing there's snow in chicago but having never seen 10 feet of snow, can't possibly understand how it's possible, even though i know it's so. you know? i guess that means i just need to spend more time with him.

i've rambled on enough for one night. i'm still in the middle of my movie.

rambling at four am

I am afraid of growing up. I am afraid of failing.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of being unneeded.

I am afraid of trying to do something and being unable to accomplish anything. The absence of anything is better than that kind of nothing.

I don't want to be afraid.

I don't know what I should do or who I should be. My regular self doesn't seem to be cutting it in life these days. My regular self isn't a grown-up. It seems to be necessary to be a grown-up.

This seems to be my last night in the nursery, Peter.

I'm afraid of tomorrow.



I'm so scared of my life.