band-aids and emotional exhaustion.

He called me tonight. Well, first he texted me and said he would "like to request one more exchange with you before I forget you...just a few questions." I said I supposed I would humor him. His first question was, "Am I a monster?" I said in some capacities, yes, but in others, no. There are many negative qualities about him, but that is human. He also has many positive qualities.

It was a long and frustrating, on my end at least, conversation. Then he said, "Any final words for me?" All I said was, "Goodbye." Then he said goodbye and we hung up.
As long as I am not talking to him, I am fine. I don't so much mind that it's over, anymore. I just wish that I had been more prepared so that I could have enjoyed our time together without the hope of something more. I would have appreciated it for what it was and not tried to make it something it wasn't. But that is life, I suppose. And I know that in time, I will be able to look back with a sense of nostalgia. Right now it still just kind of hurts. It's much better. I only cried for fifteen seconds after our 80 minute conversation. That's a much better percentage than any before, since the breakup. And since it's been two weeks since I last had any contact with him, I think it was actually a pretty good conversation. Considering.


I don't really know what to do anymore. I am lonely. I realized on Tuesday that I wasn't in that circle anymore. They were all over there...and it's not that they didn't want me there, or I didn't want to be there, I just don't belong there anymore. My friendship with him was the reason I was there. Now the reason no longer exists. So that is sad. But that's life.

Then I realized that I don't really have any friends that I am close to and talk to on even a semi-regular basis, anymore. I even doubt that RW and I, no matter what he says, will really talk once we finish our project. Which is next weekend. It would feel awkward to call him up and suggest we hang out. I liked the excuse. I didn't have to call and ask him to hang out with me...we started with business and then ended up making dinner, or dancing, or going to the movies or something.

I think I am just really tired of being the only one to make an effort, in all of my many relationships. I need a me for me. I really wish I had someone in my life who would make an effort to be there and be with me instead of me always being that person. It is completely exhausting. I listen to people, and I do things because they want me to, and I help them, and I take on huge assignments like the mystery because they ask, and I really do just want to help people and be there for them. But it honestly feels like no one is really there for me. I am always the one who calls. In every damn relationship I have. I am emotionally exhausted. I am worn, and hurt, and trying to heal, and all of my close friends know it, yet if I want any human interaction, I have to always seek it out. Not a single person calls me to say, "Hey, let's hang out." Not a single one.

And that is upsetting.

I am exhausted. I am lonely. I want a hug. Lots of hugs. I want someone to watch movies with instead of watching them by myself and feeling like the biggest loser cat lady spinster. I've kind of started texting RG almost every day because I feel like I'm an emotional burden to everyone else at this point, after all that's been going on. He hasn't been burdened by it yet. So I've been talking to him.

People quit asking me how I am. I noticed this last week. People only ask how I am after I ask them.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic. But it's like I have this cut on my arm (post-breakup pain) and since I have nothing to distract me, I keep going back and looking at it. Even now that I've got a band-aid on it so it doesn't get infected and will heal up quickly, I keep looking under the band-aid to see how it's doing instead of going out and playing tag or something and not thinking about it and then taking off the band-aid to find that it's all healed up. But when you look at cuts and stuff they hurt way more than if you don't. 'Cause when you're thinking about it, it hurts a lot, you know? It's kind of like that. Only I don't have anyone to play tag with, so I end up sitting on the sidewalk starting at my cut and thinking, "Gee, would you heal up, already? I want to take this damn band-aid off." 


I am afraid I am going to fail my sociology exam. I've been so distracted that I can't seem to focus enough to study. Lovely.