i have anti-faith in people. good thing i have faith in god.

if you have just one let me be that love, if you have lots of others please let me be one.



i've been thinking that maybe present disappointment is preparing me to better recognize the real thing when it comes along; if it comes along. not to say that it wasn't the real thing for me--god knows it was. i mean more like the real thing, the life thing, the for-life thing. ie: true unending godsent love. or maybe i can only get that from yeshua. i don't know. i'd like to think that it's accessible in this life, but maybe not. having a long-distance relationship with yeshua is hard. i want to be held and kissed, and that ain't gonna happen right now. i really wish that i could just go home to him right now, but that ain't gonna happen, either. i'm not finished here yet.

i don't regret anything, though. i may be disappointed, but mostly in myself. i was happy. i can't complain about that. only idiots complain about things they're happy with. oh wait--that's most people, including me. i'm so spoiled. i have everything i need/want/desire (well, except maybe one thing, but that's irrelevant and actually kind of ridiculous because the spirit would tell me i already have it, which i do, just not exactly in the way i want), and yet for some reason i keep falling apart. why? is it because i don't trust him enough?

could be. that's a likely reason. me and my stupid trust issues. how on EARTH did i manage to translate those into my relationship with the father? oh, i'm sure it's been done many times before but it doesn't make it make any more sense. it's ludicrous.

so i would like to say that things kind of suck right now, but the truth is, they don't. not really. i only project this stupid image of suckiness onto my relatively wonderful decent life. why? not sure.

i'm kind of really bitter at pretty much the whole world. if you're reading this, i'm probably bitter towards you for something or other. the spirit and i are getting down to nails on this. that didn't exactly make sense but i can't think of the phrase i'm looking for. my brain is a little fried.

i saw the book of eli today. i cried a little at the end. i really liked it and was totally convicted. kudos to denzel washington for a) making a movie that doesn't suck (in my opinion, most of the movies he's done in the past five or six years have been pretty awful), and b) making a movie that is actually really amazing and portrays the spirit of god in a POSITIVE manner, and that he trusts him a lot more than i do. after bitterness, we're getting down to nails on trust. i've just been informed.

some days i just feel like it's never going to get any better here. i mean, this world is screwed. it's a mess, and people are a mess, and the only reason for living, really, is because god said to. i've asked him more than a few times if he could just take me to be with him. no offense to this world or anything, after all, he made it, but it kind of sucks at this point and people are the same as they've always been: slimy, weaselly, sluggish, occasionally well-intentioned liars. and i love 'em. but i would much rather be spending all of eternity with the ONE who will NEVER let me down or be slimy, weaselly, etc. but that ain't gonna happen just yet. just yet.

i'm watching a movie called dakota skye. it's good. well, it's alright. but i really like it. the movie itself isn't that great, but the idea of it is awesome. she always knows when people are lying and what they really mean, even when they don't know it's what they really mean. she can tell. and she's gotten all apathetic and embittered towards just about everyone because they're all freakin liars (hello, sinful nature), and then she meets this guy who doesn't ever seem to lie. or at least, she doesn't know if he is or not, and she always knows. he always seems to actually be telling the truth.

what a burden to have, to always know what everyone around you really means. and since people usually don't mean what they say, you would always know when they were lying to you, when they were irritated with you or thought you were an idiot or any various number of derogatory terms, or that they didn't really mean it when they said they loved you, or that they really didn't intend to call you back or whatever. anything. to always know. how how easy it would be to not only not have faith in people but to have ANTI-faith in people. not only the absence of it because people are morons, but to actually be working against it. how bitter one would become.

but god always tells the truth. he always means what he says. and he'll never lie.

sometimes i spend so much time with people i have a hard time believing that. like i know but it's like knowing there's snow in chicago but having never seen 10 feet of snow, can't possibly understand how it's possible, even though i know it's so. you know? i guess that means i just need to spend more time with him.

i've rambled on enough for one night. i'm still in the middle of my movie.