April 27, 2009

More

I was the girl everyone trusted, and he was the boy no one did. No one but me, that is.

I knew exactly what he was capable of and how he would probably lose interest, only to fly off after another girl. I knew all that. And it didn't make any difference. I loved him, and at least for that brief, shining instant, he loved me.

No one thought it was a good idea. They told me I was unwise, that I was not thinking ahead. Thinking ahead? I couldn't guarantee that they would like me the next day, much less that he would. He loved me then, and no one else did. No one else made the effort to love the innocent girl they trusted so much. They would tell me their deepest desires, but the moment I opened my mouth to speak of my own, they had somewhere to be. But not him. The boy everyone said I was wrong for loving didn't mind. He let me go on and on, and when I had finished, told me he loved me.

He had his share of problems. Neither of us liked to talk about the past. When he did, it was brief, but serious. I never mentioned it, but loved him all the more. My closest friend, my confidante. I had forgotten all the ways he had ever wronged me. It didn't matter. I still loved him.

Unstable me, with a fickle mind and a steady heart. What good was I to anyone? No one wanted to keep me. Come what may, I just might change my mind. I usually did not, but people tend to remember the bad times. And they were plentiful enough.

He certainly wasn't trust-worthy. Sometimes I didn't even trust him in the least. Sometimes I didn't trust myself, either. Sometimes he wasn't happy, and sometimes I was cross. There were times, I am sure, neither of us liked the other. and yet there still was that mutual love: an irrational love, unexplainable, and not resigned to any type of failure.

Life works in mysterious ways. When i let go of the idea of this boy, unreachable by anything I could consciously do, he came to me. Surprising and confusing, but utterly wonderful in every way. Who else could make me smile when I wanted to kill him for something ridiculous that I can't even remember? He made me laugh when i wanted to cry, and even forget why I wanted to cry in the first place. "And even be glad just to be sad, thinking of you."

I never was sad, though. No one else could make me smile as much much, or as happy as he could, without even doing anything.

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