maybe i don't make myself clear

I never talk about you, personally. Any of you. I talk to myself. I talk to people who don't really exist, because my image of them is what I think them to be, not ever necessarily what they are.

If you're reading this, you probably understand me better than I do, or could ever hope to. You may have noticed, but I have a masochistic tendancy to tell people exactly what I'm thinking. It never ends up well. It is my "Freudian slip." I entrust you with more information than you can handle, and then become upset when you ignore it, forget it, or throw it back in my face later on. I let too much "slip." Every little thought, every little two-bit thing. I find myself overcome by the urge to share my joy or misery with the world. It's my tragic flaw. It brings about my, or my circumstances, downfall--invariably, every time.

None of it is about anyone in particular, personally. It is merely the collective hodgepodge of my mind. Have you ever seen a most terribly unorganized office? That is a small inkling of what I imagine the inside of my head to look like. It's a mess. Nothing lines up, and nothing comes out right. When I mean to say one thing, I say another (or, as the Freudian slip pun goes, "when I mean to say one thing, I say your mother"). It's a complex, convoluted, confusing mess up there. I get tongue-tied and I get mixed up. Sometimes, however, that gets other people mixed up. It's a hard thing to deal with, when you know that your confusion has led to confusion in someone else.

Another thing you may not know about me: I have panic attacks. I have gotten myself so worked up or so afraid or so confused that I could not breathe. On numerous occasions. It doesn't happen often. Only as often as I find myself absolutely terrified that I will lose something or someone or some part of myself. Unfortunately, that happens more often than I should ever like.

I am intense, I am passionate, I am a type-B personality, I am confused yet know what is what. I think I'm a paradox. Maybe that's just my thought, but I think I fit that bill.

I always think it's hard to be me, but that's because I've never tried being anyone else.